Embarrassing online dating stories
She would then fill the little remaining crust-boat with olive oil, take a bite from it, and refill it. It reminded me of that, which might say more about me as lousy digital dater than her.• We agreed to meet at a bar even though he didn’t drink (when I asked if he went to meetings instead, he was silent).• The seemingly bohemian alt industrial-music dj was still enough of a “nice jewish girl” that she insisted our first meeting be a dinner with her mother at an Italian chain restaurant in the Valley.
It was an amazing WTF moment and I never talked to her again.
• I got walked out on on a date that seemed like it was going fairly well because I said I didn’t like french fries. • The date where the self-identified “artist” revealed her day job was working as a prison guard, and she spent much of our afternoon on a mumbled, paranoid rant about an anonymous “them” who were on the verge of their incipient take over of everything we hold dear. She ordered $75 worth of lunch, which she wouldn’t touch because she was sure it was contaminated.
The Super-Speed Dater • We were supposed to meet at a coffee shop at 3pm. He asked me what I do creatively and I told him (succinctly) that I obsessively document everything.
He was ten minutes late, which in and of itself wouldn’t have been a problem. He snorted dismissively and said “Don’t you think that’s a little self- absorbed? You think there’s a chance I’ve never heard of Wes Anderson?
For dinner, we went to Ikea for a $5 platter of Swedish meatballs. I explained, nicely, why it bugged me, and he said he was glad he found out early how ugly I was on the inside. As we were sitting outside of the coffee shop enjoying some nice conversation he told me how he was working on writing some music.
He then proceeded to sing, very loudly, his current endeavor in song writing.
• I can’t even begin to rehash the details, but the guy drove a Cougar as if it were a Ferrari, had a facial twitch that I’m pretty sure can be seen from space, had favorite hobbies along the lines of watching History channel documentaries, and disapproved of my eating of croutons in my salad. • I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a “Trogdor the Burninator” shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud. Girl randomly started replying and cursing at my tweets.
• I once went out with someone who, within an hour of meeting me, told me that his ultimate fantasy was to date a replicant. • This guy commutes to the city from Connecticut, which I never really get (why not just live in New York? I suggested that he must really treasure his vegetable garden or something in order to put up with 2.5 hours/day on Metro- North. He called me a hippie for growing my own vegetables.
He told me that when he bought his house, he hired a landscaper to tear everything out and replace it with gravel. • My dates “catch phrase” was a quote from Seinfeld. When we meet, I start to talk about Seinfeld and he tells me he doesn’t watch tv and doesn’t even own one.
• A young woman and I got along pretty well in the bar where we’d agreed to meet, but things went downhill when we decided to get dinner at a nearby restaurant.
If you’re not up for reading about that today, you should take a pass.